Breaking the Silence

Psalm 39:2      But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased.

            When I was eighteen, I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital for three days in order to flush out the overdose of tranquilizers that I had taken. My family and friends were horrified and my parents hadn’t a clue about why it occurred. I remember they felt very guilty as if they were to blame, which was not the case. They didn’t know what to say or how to deal with it. Thankfully, my Aunt Sylvia came to visit me in the hospital and helped me through some of those dark moments. I had felt that my life was worthless and that I was powerless to change anything. I wanted to give up on life and surrender to death. It was a bleak time for me and the specter of suicide almost claimed me.

            I was wrong, totally and completely wrong. If I had died when I was eighteen, I would never have found faith in Jesus. If I had given up completely, I would never have known Smithie, my wife, as well as Lynsey and Lauren, my two darling daughters. If I had succumbed to my own despair, I would never have become a pastor in Scotland or America. Forty-two years later, I know that my life has been full of hope and happiness, purpose and meaning that I could not see in front of me at that desperate time.

            You see, I had kept silent about what I was feeling inside of me and it almost led to my untimely destruction. If I had talked to someone I could trust – like my Aunt Sylvia – I might have avoided the suicide attempt. If I had asked God to help me through those dark times, I may never have tried to kill myself. Thankfully, within a couple of years, my whole life changed and it’s only by looking back that I see how Christ was carrying me to a better time and a better place in my life.

            Recently, our community has been shaken by a sad spate of suicides among our young people. Many of our wonderful High Schoolers have been emotionally impacted by the tragic loss of some of their friends. It feels so unfair, so unreal, and so unnecessary. It also makes all of us feel powerless, defeated, and confused. For me, church became the sanctuary and safe place that I needed to face my fears, listen to my questions, and give me a brand new hope that my empty heart so desperately needed. I still believe it can do those things for our young people today. Our congregations have to be welcome havens of help and healing, encouragement and support to those who feel lost, lonely, and isolated. We cannot and must not be silent on this issue; we have to walk and talk with our young people who need to be heard; who need to be embraced; and above all, who need to be loved.

Prayer:              Lord Jesus, walk with us today and let Your Spirit touch the hearts, minds, and souls of our young people. Be with them in their quiet times and deepest moments of concern. Help those who are emotionally stretched to find a safe space of acceptance, love, and support in our churches. In Your Holy Name, we earnestly pray. Amen.

John Stuart is the pastor of Erin Presbyterian Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. You can read the church website at www.erinpresbyterian.org. John can also be contacted by email at pastor@erinpresbyterian.org.

Bible devotion: Forty Years Ago - Psalm 116:12

Psalm 116:12           What shall I return to the Lord for all His goodness to me?

            Forty years ago this month, I tried to take my own life by overdosing myself with the tranquilizers that I was taking. I was eighteen years old, very selfish and self-centered. I wanted to end my life as a means of punishing my parents for the misery that I felt was all their fault. I even wrote a dramatic suicide note which was very spiteful, as well as melodramatic. I felt that I had the right to end my life because it wasn’t going the way I wanted.

            My girlfriend Rhona, and two of my best friends, Stevie and Rose Mary, found me unconscious in my bedroom. When they couldn’t wake me up, they realized that something serious had taken place. They very quickly took me in a taxi to the ER, where my stomach was pumped to get rid of the pills, in order to lessen the impact of my foolish suicide attempt. I spent three days in the hospital recovering from my stupidity.

            The following forty years could never have happened without their life-saving intervention. Somehow God allowed me to live, through their immediate response and quick thinking. I would never have known all of the blessings that I have experienced since then – my marriage to Evelyn, the birth of my two daughters, my faith in God, and the calling He has given me. I was young, rash, and foolish, but God was patient, loving, and merciful.

            Life never gives us everything that we want, but I believe God gives us all that we need. I owe my life to three people on Earth and will always be indebted to them. I also owe absolutely everything to God, who placed them in my life at one of its most crucial and critical of times. I am eternally indebted to God’s grace and goodness, which I can never repay nor given anything equal in return.

            Life is good. Each day is a gift. Every friend that we have is more precious than gold. All the love we experience in life comes directly from God. How can we ever repay those blessings? What shall we return to the Lord for all His goodness to us?

Prayer:          Lord Jesus, we love You. We thank You for the gift of life and love, as well as friends and faith. Help us to share these blessings with all whom we encounter and meet today. In Your Holy Name, we cheerfully pray. Amen.

John Stuart is the pastor of Erin Presbyterian Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. If you would like to comment or ask questions about today’s message, please send him an email to Traqair@aol.com.

Today’s image is John’s latest bird drawings called “Allyson’s Bird.” If you would like to view a larger version, please click on this link: Lilac Bird.

Church devotion: Suicide is not Painless - 1 Kings 19:4

1 Kings 19:4             Elijah came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors."

            The recent tragic death of the actor Robin Williams created a lot of sadness for many people. His ability to make us laugh was exceptional and he was a very gifted and much loved comedian. But there was a dark side to his life, a shadow of despair that crept over his soul, causing him to become an addict, and sadly ended with his suicide. Behind his Peter Pan smile and outrageous behavior that made us laugh hysterically, was a person who was suffering internally. We may not know what his last thoughts were or what ultimately drove him to take his own life; all that we do know is the fact that his untimely death has impacted millions of people.

            Suicide, no matter what the old song from MASH declared, is never painless. Someone always gets hurt; someone always gets left with guilt. When I overdosed with tranquilizers as a teenager, I did it because I wanted to be in control of my life at a time when things, events, and people around me were out of control. My mother’s insanity deeply affected me and I’m certain that it also wounded the rest of my siblings. I just wanted to show everyone how hurt I was and let them deal with the consequences. I wanted to die because I was weary with life.

            It was very selfish of me and an easy way out. I even thought that if God wasn’t going to change the circumstances of my life, then I didn’t want Him to interfere with my death. I was in control and nobody could take that away from me. Once I was dead, I was dead to the world; anyone who was hurt would just have to deal with it.

            Thankfully, three friends found me passed out in my bedroom. They took me to the ER where the team of medics flushed everything out of my system. I was kept in for three days at the hospital for two reasons: a much-needed psychological assessment and to make certain that my organs did not pack in. God, it seems, had other plans even though I wilfully and selfishly tried to oust Him and everyone else from my life.

            In today’s Bible passage (1 Kings 19:1-9), Elijah is weary of life. He erroneously thought that his victory over the prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel would have reaped rewards, esteem, and glory. Instead, it was met with an immediate death threat from Queen Jezebel which soon deflated Elijah’s ego. In his sorrowful and lamentable state, he ran away and just wanted to die to end all of his misery and despair. However, God had other plans which involved Elijah’s well-being and extended his ministry among God’s people.

            When we accept suicide as a personal means for people to let go of their responsibilities, frustrations, dignity, and pain, then we’re saying that God cannot help and that the love of loved ones and friends is ineffective. From my personal experience, the darkness of a successful suicide would have robbed me of the faith, hope, light, and love that was yet to come. This is why I believe that suicide or even euthanasia does not always have to be the answer to our suffering. There is always hope; there is always light; there is always love.

Questions for personal reflection

What do I think about the act of suicide? How can faith in God help prevent it?

Prayer:          Lord Jesus, in the midst of darkness and despair, remain our light and hope. Grant us the faith to rely upon Your love, as well as the strength to overcome our weariness and woes. Keep us mindful of how precious the gift of life is, and help us to encourage and support our loved ones who are burdened by their worries, illnesses, and fears. In Your Holy Name, we humbly pray. Amen.

If you, or a loved one, or a friend are having suicidal thoughts, please talk to your doctor or find a good counsellor or psychologist who will help you to cope with your problems.

John Stuart is the pastor of Erin Presbyterian Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. If you would like to comment or ask questions about today’s message, please send him an email to Traqair@aol.com.